~ Being Rebecca ~

I’ve been rather quiet on this blogging front lately, a little lost for topics to be honest. I were semi holding out for a new car update, but it ain’t happened yet. Anyways, I been feeling really emotionally shitty lately about life in general and pretty much the foundation for all my many years of unhappiness and failures in life stems from me being transgendered. Boo fucking hoo, so I thought i’d do an introduction into me being transgendered, meh’, whatever...

Being in reality born a Benjamin, it’s a muchly fucked up thing indeed feeling that the way I need to be addressed, seen, treated and accepted in life is that of Rebecca. Of course a name is just a name, he or she, boy or girl, that’s the real reality and I have been struggling, hurting and fighting with these issues for many, many years, from before I can remember, an inherent feeling that I should have been born female.

I totally fucking loathe who I am because of this and only now at twenty-six years of age am I starting to overcome all the self loathing and shame that smoothers my mind and being. I’ve fallen into a deep depression over the last six to eight months with the transgendered issue sitting firmly at the centre of my world as it always has done. This depression has always been a part of my life, but I have always been able to hide the pain in the past somewhat and hide my true emotions and feelings. I have become a muchly closed person because of this and have lived my whole life beneath the darkest of clouds it seems. This time it feels different, like my whole world has come crashing. I am so totally alone, scared, in constant pain and close to tears always. I don’t know how to turn my life around and I don’t know how to come to terms with me being me.

I don’t remember the first time it ever dawned upon me that I had a genuine gender confusion. I think I was seven or eight years old when I first began ‘cross-dressing’ and looking into a mirror and asking the question, why wasn’t I born a girl? This feeling, this act of ‘cross-dressing’ has never stopped, it has never went away and the feeling and knowing that I should have been born female is a part of my being always. Yes it sounds stupidly crazy and whatever. I don’t understand it myself and so how can anybody else? The only hope I have is that those truly close to me can accept me for who I am, but it’s taken me a long time to accept myself. In fact, I probably haven’t come to accept myself totally yet either to be honest.

Throughout my teenage years and early twenties I have fought this internal struggle alone and have always had this idea I could change me. I’ve always known I can’t, but it’s always seemed in my mind that I should at least try. Like what is it to be a man anyways? Being an only child, an only son to a father like mine has probably helped increase the pain and shame I’ve always felt for being transgendered. I’ve tried to be his son, to be a man in his eyes, to be like him and all I’ve ever done in my life is fail. This hurts me so much because I know my father, I know he could never be there for me being who I am and that he would disown me for being transgendered. Trying to be someone I am not, or more so closing myself off from the world has left me where I am now. I have not got one real friend in my life, I have no job, I am long time unemployed, I got no future prospects and I’m living at home with my parents which is totally fucking fail and makes dealing with these issues so much more awkward.

The biggest step I have made along the way in dealing with these feelings is probably coming out to my mother, although it only seems like I could make half the journey with telling her. Like I wrote a letter to her and was insistent upon a few things which weren’t true, probably because I still was struggling greatly with all the issues that comes along with being transgendered and were feeling ashamed of who and what I am when I told her. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that I had gender confusion, that I felt I should have been born woman and that maybe in time she would have to come to terms with me wanting to transition and to live life as a woman as well as being adamant with her that I am straight, where as in reality I am bisexual. I could only tell her that I was a cross-dresser, transvestite, transgendered, but that I had no desire to change. I feel silly for this, like I’ve insulted myself and who I am for only telling such a small part of the story. She was so very accepting when I told her and she told me I shouldn’t be ashamed for whom I am no matter what, but as soon as notions of me going out into the world as me arose, her fears began to relay. I do know that she will be there for me throughout whatever and that in a sad way, she’s my closest friend I got, but I hate that I’ve put myself in a situation where I kinda have to come out a second time to her.

As far as my sexuality is concerned, I’ve been overly paranoid with being open with that too, like, it’s strange, sex means nothing to me whilst dealing with my gender issues and my sexuality issues seem insignificant in comparison to gender identity. It has been a couple years since I’ve had sex and it’s not like I got a majorly serious history of sexual partners. Every relationship I’ve had with women has failed pretty much, they’ve never really lasted too long and it’s always been down to my own fears and my own closed emotions. I’ve always felt somewhat awkward with sex, not that I’m not sexual, but because I’ve never felt comfortable in myself. I am bisexual, although I’ve never been with a man. It is strange though as far as men are concerned. I have never been openly able to admit to my attraction towards men. It differs greatly from my attraction towards women and in my mind it confuses me. I couldn’t be with a man as a man, I could only be sexual with a man if he saw me as female, which sounds crazy enough I suppose. Maybe that’s just the fantasy or whatever. To be honest, in my mind, being sexual with a man or woman requires me in a female role to satisfy my needs. I don’t really know if that makes sense, but that’s me, my mind, whatever. It’s kinda funny talking about sexuality, because I don’t really have a vast sex drive and it doesn’t define me, where as my gender confusion really does. Although of course I do want to be loved and love, and to be happy with someone, someday.

^^ Each paragraph is getting a little bigger innit :s

Anyways, I guess where this all leads to is where I am now. I am an emotional wreck, full of seething anger and hate, and unable to function in life as I wish to, or need to even. I am probably the epitome of ‘damaged goods’ and really don’t see much of a future for myself. I don’t really have many big dreams in life anymore, I just want to be happy, happy being me, accepted for being me and to feel like I belong. I dunno if I will ever get there, but this year has been a massive realisation in my life and if I don’t start to change the way I’m living now, I really fear towards where I am heading.

Source: http://rebeccasrequiem.blogspot.com/2010/08/being-rebecca.html

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